No matter how well-intended coaches may be, they still can fall into the behavior that was common when they grew up, namely the “tough love” coaching style.
While it was once common for coaches to be viewed as taskmasters, rather than bullies, sports psychology has furthered our knowledge of how this can hurt players, especially at a young age.
Just as a good coach can keep a sports kids’ interest in sports alive, bully coaches who use harsh words and negativity will undermine kids’ interest in sports.
You should first talk to the coach to try to communicate your concerns, framing the concerns as worrying about your child’s self-confidence as opposed to telling the coach he is a bad coach or a bully.
If the coach does not listen or change how he is treating your child, it is best that you consider moving your child to a different team or talking to a league or school administrator about the coach.
Listen to our interview with the sports mom here and how she dealt with a bully coach:
Related Sports Psychology Articles
- What Can Parents Do When Coaches Bully Their Sports Kids?
- How Parents and Coaches Can Cope with Bullying in Sports
- How Youth Sports Coaches Can Build Resilience in Kids
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The Confident Sports Kid
When kids lack confidence, they doubt themselves, stop taking risks, play tentatively, and are hard on themselves. As a result, kids often lose their motivation to improve. Ultimately, these barriers keep them from enjoying sports and making the most of their physical talent.
“The Confident Sports Kid” program is actually two programs: one that teaches sports parents how to boost their kids’ confidence, and another that teaches young athletes age 8 to 18 how to improve their self talk, avoid negative thinking, overcome expectations that limit confidence, and much more. The program will help kids boost their confidence in sports and life…and enjoy sports more.
A coach has gotten up in my grandsons face and jerked him up by his jersey. I don’t think they have any right to jerk a HS player by the jersey. This is abusive behavior in my eyes.
Would this happen if it was your grandson’s teacher in class? Probably not.
My 15 year old is very passionate about basketball and trains rigidly year-round. She attends boys and adult open gyms, has a trainer and is on a 17U summer travel team that travels around the Northwest. She is really developing and improving daily, both mentally and physically. She loves basketball!!
She attends a very small rural school where the other girls play when the season starts and stop when the season ends. No one gets cut, as there are barely enough to form a team. Some haven’t even played before. My daughter loves the challenge of being teammates and teaching them to love the game. They all know my daughter’s passion and know what she has been doing, yet the coach never helps identify opportunities or shows interest in what she does in the off season. She is self-motivated and driven.
My daughter has been so excited for school ball to start and when it did, the interaction with the coach has dampened her excitement in just two days.
Day 1 she got the practice schedule and realized there was a practice scheduled for Saturday, which is uncommon. When I came to pick her up she told me and I told her she should talk to the coach about it. So, she approached the coach and told him she had been asked by a small college to come to their game on Saturday. This is unheard of for our small school, especially for a sophomore. He said “you don’t want to go there, do you? Why would you want to go watch them?” and she replied saying when the college coach reached out to her, she thought it was a great start on her journey to play college ball so thought it was a good opportunity. She went on to tell him that the College Coach had invited her to come to a practice before the game and immediately the high school coach got stern with her and said she was not to play anywhere. Then he turned to me and said, I don’t want her playing. She replied respectfully and said she didn’t think she was playing, just getting introduced to the girls. Then he went on to tell her that these first days of practice were critical. and that he couldn’t believe she wanted to miss practice before it even started. So, she told him she wouldn’t go and immediately contacted the college coach and told him she couldn’t attend. (I did not get involved, I stood there and let her have the conversation. Then I let her make the decision.)
Then on day 2, the assistant coach told them to be careful and not risk injury, so my daughter slowed down on a block of her teammate and the head coach said “looks like you’re out of shape and just jogging.” This is absolutely not true, not even sure why he would think that. She said she politely explained why she didn’t go full out and said he understood, but I could tell it upset her that he would even think that of her because she has been working so hard!
She didn’t want dinner last night and went right to her routine workout that she does every night, year-round, whether she has practice or not. I gave her space, but she looked exhausted when she came in and I think she worked extra hard last night. This is concerning because she already is over the top with workouts. Then she went to bed early and journaled.
I could see today, day 3 that she went to school somber, and it breaks my heart as she has been looking forward to this all year.
I spoke with the coach last season about something similar and felt we had a good, polite, open discussion, only for him to go to my daughter and tell her that she misunderstood him and surely she didn’t think the things that I expressed concern about. There was no change in his behavior, and she was frustrated with me for talking with him. I don’t want to do that to her again or she will quit being open to me and I need to know what she is experiencing. She is not a complainer and does not like drama!
Any advice? Is this silly stuff that I need to let my strong daughter handle or is this going to be detrimental and should I jump in?
Follow your athlete’s lead on talking to the coach without her knowledge. Better if she takes the lead.
great, thank you!